Reimagine Three Common Parenting Scenarios

How would it feel if you were inpowered to manage those times when your child isn't cooperating?

What if you knew more about the developmental reasons kids act the way they do?

Even more, what if I shared a few techniques to shift the dynamics of common challenging situations?

Without realizing it, an uncooperative child might be communicating a desire for choice and control. Think about it- we all like to have some voice and choice in our lives, and children are no different. In fact, developmentally, they need to feel some control. Their bodies are growing, their minds are expanding, and life around them is changing. What they can count on is your love, though when we find ourselves in uncomfortable spaces, especially in public, our emotions take over, masking our love.

Toddler Tantrum

It’s late morning, and your 3 year old is happily watching his favorite TV show. You get a few minutes of respite after breakfast. This particular program has positive content and promotes good behavior. You feel good about this choice and allow one 30 minute episode at a time, for a total of an hour a day - acceptable according to the American Academy of Pediatrics. But then, the 30 minutes is up. We’ve all experienced what happens next. Your son screams, stamps, his feet, and throws himself on the ground.

Pre-teen Outburst

You and your 10 year old daughter are shopping for school clothes in the mall. She asks for the popular, expensive leggings that many girls have. You realize that purchasing what will amount to half of your expected budget is not reasonable. You and your daughter get into an argument, and she says loudly, “You never let me have what I want.” People’s heads turn.

Gaming Grievance

Over and over again, you worry about the amount of time your 15 year old son spends using screens - TV, computer, gaming, social media - it all adds up. It is gaming that has you most concerned, since you don’t have a handle on all of the different content. You do know that your son has one group of friends who play a game that you consider inappropriate. When you set limits on his screen time, he storms off saying you don’t understand him and do not want him to have any friends. You feel helpless, knowing this is how teens today connect.

Any of these sound familiar? All too much! Here are ways to reimagine each situation by being inpowered:

Toddler Tune-in

Engage your three year old by sharing the number of shows he can watch; don’t just turn off an episode after it ends. Offer options - “You can watch two shows now, or one now and one later.”  This provides a choice - one he may not fully understand, but it is a start. Remind him of his choice when the first show ends, mentioning that he can still make a choice - another show now or save it for later. 

When it is time to turn off the TV, let your child manage the remote. In a small way, this provides control. Making up a short phrase, like “See you tomorrow (character’s name)” can  help provide a smooth transition to another activity. It helps your child see that the end of one episode is not the end of enjoying this show. Fostering literacy is important at this developmental stage. Do so by talking about the show or finding books that include the character or have a similar topic.

Pre-teen Participation

Plan ahead so what might seem like a dreaded experience becomes an opportunity for bonding. Create a situation that allows your child to have some control over what she buys. Start with helping her learn about money management by estimating what certain items will cost and setting a budget together.

Then, when in a store, your child can be in control of how she spends allocated funds. Choice? Yes! Control? Yes! Depending on your daughter’s age, she may benefit from a reminder to tally the cost before heading to the register. This will reinforce the good choices made and serve as a reminder in case she wants to continue looking in another store or shop at another time.

By reimagining this situation, you have shifted the power where appropriate and reinforced accountability and ownership of the process. And, you have  enjoyed this special time together!

Gaming Gains

Screen time is here to stay - managing it is the key. Many teens, especially in isolation, depend on gaming for social connection. It is much the same with other forms of social media. Setting reasonable limits is important, and engaging your child in doing so can provide choice and control.

Have a conversation with your child when emotions are not high. Approach it as wanting to be aware and allow him some choice in the matter. Hear what he thinks, share what you believe, and then agree on an amount of daily screen time. A total for non-school use works best. To avoid a heated negotiation, make sure to have an appropriate number of hours per day in mind.

Once a limit is set, your teen can exercise choice in how much time he wants to spend on gaming and other screen use, offering him control in his day. There are many resources to help you decide what would work best for your family. Common Sense Media  is a great one for all types of screen use.

Providing appropriate voice and choice allows your child some control over aspects of life. There are many opportunities to do so - small actions that can make a big difference.

In my coaching practice, I work with parents of toddlers to teens. Clients have found benefit in exploring scenarios of typical situations they might face and reminaging how to make them work. They then feel inpowered - prepared, possessing skills to manage situations, and assuring emotions do not rule!

If you would like to explore ways to reimagine parenting and be inpowered, email me at dcolpitts@inpoweredparent.com