Toddlers & Teens: Not So Different
Tell someone you have a toddler and they think of the Terrible Twos and express empathy for you. Tell that same person you have a young teen, perhaps a middle schooler, and you may get the same reaction.
Each of these developmental stages is unique and special. Not so terrible, the twos and threes are a wonderful time of growth and exploration. And the teen years, particularly from ages 12-15, parallel this same expansion of growth in a developmentally different way.
Why the negative images about toddlers and teens? Partly, it is because during both of these stages, children are exploring their independence and seeking some control over their changing bodies and the world in which they live. These developmental stages are characterized by tremendous brain growth. Your child’s prefrontal cortex, responsible for impulse control, decision making, and managing emotions is rapidly developing. This article from raisedgood.com, while focusing on toddlers, provides helpful information about development of the prefrontal cortex.
A toddler’s, “No!” does not always mean no, and a teen’s, “I hate you!” is not a literal expression of true feelings. Both are expressions of emotions that your child is not yet fully equipped to handle.
So, how can you best manage an emotional outburst? How can you be proactive so fewer outbursts happen?
One way is to create opportunities for your children to exercise choice and control. Here are three ways that can support your child’s developmental needs and provide some joy and peace to your family:
Involve your children in daily routines and tasks that demonstrate they are an important part of the family system. Allow choice in how a task is done. For a toddler, this may be as simple as deciding which toys to put away first - the puzzles or the blocks? A teen responsible for cleaning his or her room can choose when and how to do so within an expectation set by you - perhaps by a certain day of the week that works for your teen’s schedule.
Be involved in your child’s world. Bonding is an important part of relationship building, and spending a designated amount of time with your child fosters this connection. The key is to follow your child’s lead - be a part of their world, don’t just expect them to follow what you choose to do. For a toddler, this can be 10-20 minutes where they direct the play, and you follow along. A teen may not necessarily show excitement to do something together; however, letting your teen have choice in a family activity can do wonders for building relationships and respecting their need for choice and control.
In general, offer choices when you can. This is not hard but does take intention. The more you do so, the easier it becomes. Would your toddler like strawberries or blueberries with breakfast? Animal crackers or cheese crackers for a snack? Does your teen need time to wind down before doing homework? Allow a choice in how to do so- some kids need to be physical, some prefer a quiet activity.
Toddlers and teens - both are experiencing strong emotions without the resources to fully manage them. Both are looking for ways to have some control over their lives. Both are exploring independence. By meeting these developmental needs, you and your family will experience more joy and less stress.
I would love to hear your ideas about how you support your children’s needs for choice and control.
If you find you could use some support in your parent journey, I am here to help!
